Pfftt. Once a Day Turns to Once a Month…

I think I left the most Northern part of my body in one of the most Northern parts on the country.

Back in March, I uprooted my family and moved us all to North Carolina all the way from Connecticut. It started out AYYYY-MAAAAYYY-ZING. But, now we are struggling, and I think I left my brain up North. I don’t know where my mind’s at these days, but it’s most definitely not up there in my skull where it’s supposed to be. I stopped working back in August to concentrate on my physical and most of all  my mental health, and all the spare time on my hands has definitely made an impact. My mind thinks in circles, just like how it tells me to talk in circles (and write in circles.) And, it has thought of almost every aspect of this life thus far. It has been painful, but necessary. I never truly took the time to process any of the trauma or pain I had experienced, and instead I ran, ran, ran, and stayed as busy as I possibly could. I never took time to just sit with self. Well, I am making up for that lost time now, I guess. I kind of feel like a Coke bottle with one too many Mentos stuffed into it. Oh, give that bottle a real good shake, EXPLOSION. That’s me in a nutshell. So, no wonder I haven’t stuck with my ‘One Positive Affirmation a Day’ goal that I set  a few weeks back. I wish I had, but I think God set this all up for me. God’s definitely got a plan for me, and I think he’s really been trying to open that all up for me, and I kept ignoring his signs. So, now he has slapped me across the face, and it’s working.Actually, I don’t think God would ever actually slap one of his children across the face, but it took a lot of his signs and signals before I opened my eyes. I have been trying to do a lot of work on my inner self as of late, but with  everything that has been going on lately, I again, put my feelings on the back burner. And, to top it off, I am almost positive that I was also gifted with an Ulcer…. hmmm. I don’t think that was in God’s plan, I think that is probably due to my excessive stressing and worrying that I put myself through.

Well, my baby boy just woke up, its almost 7am. Guess I probably should’ve slept a bit last night…. But, disassociation from time is another issue for me, and wow, that’s definitely been a problem lately.


Little Angel.

Little Angel, so young, so beautiful, my eyes are filled with tears.

You blessed us with your entry into this world, you filled us with smiles and laughter.

This is so hard to do, to let go of you, really wishing I didn’t have to.

Those big baby blues, the loving smiles, we cherish every bit of you.

You wrapped those little fingers around your Daddy’s and instantly you connected.

You heard his voice and stopped crying, a bond that could never be broken.

You filled his heart with more Love than he ever could have hoped for, he knows you’re not far,

because his Heart is where you live in.

Mommy held you every moment that she could, she looked into those eyes and cried,

because she knew that you meant for her, and that the road she traveled in the past, every fall, every stride,

every step she took, led her right to you.

God sent you down here for a divine reason, and although it is not the reason we hoped for,

and he took you back too soon, you will be with us forevermore.

You live in our hearts and in our souls, and because of that, we will always know,

that there is something more to live for, and there is a Heaven for sure.

You spread your wings and you flew away from here, on a path to Heaven, back home, carrying Mommy with you.

God welcomed you with open arms, and held you both tight.

We will miss you every moment of every day and every night,

and we feel blessed to have a guardian like you, Little Angel.

The Cherry on top!

In the past recent months I really wasn’t sure how this Christmas was going to go. I was almost positive there would only be one present under the tree for my son and that we would have no Holiday Cheer. I kept praying to God to help me carry on the traditions that my Aunt raised us with. The whole month of December was always filled with fun, excitement, warmth, joy, and love! We made cookies and wreaths! We made Christmas Tree decorations and strands of popcorn and cranberries! We ways had so much fun and those are memories that I will never forget!! So, with this being our sons very first Christmas, I wanted to make it special and I wanted our house to be filled with cheer! Our son may only be ten months old but he sure does pick up on vibes!! It seemed like God was listening because this turned out to be one of the best Christmases of all!!! Not only did we manage to buy our baby boy tons of gifts, but we got to spend time with almost every one of our family members! Leos little brother, Josh, ran away from Maine and is now living with their brother Colin and their Dad, so Leo finally got to spend Christmas with both of his brothers, a wish he has been hoping to come true for years now! I didn’t think I would be able to make it to the llen family Christmas Eve party because I had to work,but the man who plays santa ran late so when I got out of work, everyone was still there! I was so happy to be able to be there,because Grandma and Grandpa Allen were still there. Grandma is very ill and we aren’t sure what’s happening with her 😦 They have always been a big part of my life and even though we aren’t blood related, they have always loved me as their own

I Can’t, WE CAN!

Best Advice Ive ever received:
“Go out into the World and Become who I know you were always meant to be.”

For years I wasted away, allowing my body to be reigned by drugs, specifically heroin. (Im not afraid to admit it or write it here on the internet, because it is part of my past, and I wouldnt be who I am today without have going through what I went through.) I believe that I was an addict long before I ever took a foreign substance into my body. Of course that didnt become apparent to me until the first time I tried to get clean. There’s a lot more to being an addict than doing drugs or drinking alcohol. You dont just become addicted for the sake of doing drugs, it all stems from somewhere. The thing about addicts is that we are all the same and yet, so very different. We all start using to escape something, or to feel good about ourselves, or to become someone different. And when you are trying to do any of those things it is because somewhere deep down you arent truly happy with yourself.

I have learned so much over the years, and I am so grateful for that. I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I may not have followed the life plan that I created when I was in the sixth grade, but thats okay. I never thought Id become a drug addict, but I did, and its made me who I am today. I am wiser, more open minded, and stronger. I have seen all walks of life, and have learned so much about myself, and the human race. And with all Ive learned, Id like nothing more than to help others in need of help. If anything, I am living proof that there is Life After Drugs. Drug addiction, is the most devastating disease to a persons soul. It is as if youre merely existing, theres no such thing as living life, its existing through life. Addiction kills people, not just physically, but also emotinally and spiritually. You become hollow and empty. All you care about if getting your next fix. You forget how to love. You forget how to care. You forget how to have fun. You forget how to smile. You forget everything, except how to be completely selfish. You will take out anything and everyone who gets in the way of you and your drug. It becomes your best frend and worse enemy. During active addiction, your disease will comvince you that there is no other way to live life, that no one will ever love you and/or forgive you, and that youre worthless. Well, that is just not true. Honestly, its the farthest thing away from the truth. I want to help people to see this. To show people how truly amazing life can be without the use of drugs. I want to help others learn how to deal with their emotions in a healthy manner, just as I was taught. I want to be a beacon of light. I want to make a difference. Together, united, we can defeat addiction! I cant, but WE CAN!

Pamper me, Please!!!


Saw this picture on Shay Mitchell’s (Emily, Pretty Little Liars) instagram, along with a few other nail designs, and for some reason ever since all I can think about is wanting to get my nails done!! Haha. In the past two year, I have gotten my nails done professionally once! I didnt during my pregnancy because of the chemicals, and since my pregnancy, it hasnt quite fit into my budget lol. I really never thought.much anyway, but this past week all I want to do is go out and prettify myself. After seeing this, I then went and found tons of pictures of hair styles and colors, as well as makeup tips! Maybe thats myself telling self, “Hey you! Dont forget about yourself! Stop letting yourself go!!!” Since I gave birth, I havent been able to shed my baby weight and I think that has a lot to do with my lack of motivation in regards to my appearance, as to not draw attention to myself…. but, Im starting to embrace my new self, I was way underweight before and Looking at old pictures of myself I see that now. I slightly resembled a bobble head doll, haha. So, anywho, I love love love this nail design and cannot wait to go pamper myself!!!!!! It is much deserved! 🙂


Oh, and I loveeeee this design&color scheme too!